Midnight Oil....BURNT

Okay then....got a little ahead of myself on the last note. Heh. Turns out, it was just a case of MISScommunication! Whew!

Cramming....again, for another exam. This one feels like it came out of nowhere! Well, I can't say that because it's written down on my planner, but still. I'm SO SO SO SO overwhelmed right now it's ridiculous!

And THEN, we got an update on our "summer" break. So, apparently, three weeks turned into one week. WTH? Oh well, 1 week surely beats NO break at all. TRUE DAT!!

Okay, back to cramming. I am seriously going to review my little butt off & freaking just READ before I take the boards after this program. Tooo much info!! Not enough time!! Ugh. But isn't that always the case?

So, on another STRESSFUL note. I'm due for my PERIOD tomorrow. And I wish it would just get here....cuz it's adding on to my stresses! ACK!! Although, I HAVE been experiencing the B%^&%^ness that comes with it. Oh please, oh please, oh please, you haven't failed me yet (well, except for those TWO times), just GET HERE!!!!

::sigh:: I just wanna sleep with my babies already :( Cram for another hour or two & crash.

Story of my life.

I hate it.

I hate finding something--no, wait, I wasn't even LOOKING for it, it just 'showed up' on a screen, in front of my face--& I know....I could've stopped it there, but at that point, I no longer had control of myself.

And then, I hate the 'knowing' part. Just K N O W I N G....and you can't confront that person, you don't want to burst the seemingly perfect little bubble you've created..but then it just seethes in your soul.....wanting to come out....to let everybody know! Ugh!!!!

I hate it.

But nevertheless.....I have to go on. I have to continue with school/classes/clinicals....and act like that's the only thing (besides Isaiah & Audrey) that matters. I can't fckin take it. I want to confront people with my little ideas & act like I'm brave & strong & it doesn't bother me one bit....when inside I just want to crawl somewhere & die.....it hurts. And why would I think that it wouldn't affect me the way it does every single time? I tell myself that "I can't get hurt more than I have already been hurt".....that's a lie, because then, why do I feel so devastated everytime it happens, when it happens??

I hate it.

I want to leave, I want to run away.....

I just want to be happy, & not think about the hurt. I just want to be FREE from all this.

When does it stop??

I have to sleep somehow, but since 9:30 last night, I haven't been able to rest. My head is spinning & my heart is beating a million beats per minute.

But I have to be up by 4:30 to get ready so I can catch the bus @ 5:30 to be @ clinicals by 6:30.....

Good thing tmw is the last day for clinicals for the week.

I hate it..................................................................


I just want to be happy.

Re-evaluation.

It's Monday.

I don't have Mondays off anymore. It was switched to Friday. And I'm starting to think that I want those Mondays off back! Fridays are hectic and it's hard to get any studying done when people think you are already OFF!

NOT!

And it's hard to STAY in a studying mindset because you want the weekend to start already! Well, for me, I just can't wait to get home to play with Isaiah & Audrey. I guess that's a "problem" that I have to deal with. Boy, what a challenge!

But I at least got to start on my studyguide for our next subsection-which our next exam will be on. That's a change. Usually I don't ever get anything done on the weekends. I wish I'd done more though!

When I was at the library this past Friday, I picked up some random book called, 'The 50 Best Ways to Simplify Your Life"....I don't know, I like sh*t like that. If you've known me long enough, you'll know how very easily I'm drawn to those kinds of titles. Simple this, organize that, de-clutter, re-arrange....etc. But I've come to find out, I like the IDEA and the THEORY behind organization. I just can't seem to put it into practice.

And I can't use my children as an excuse. I have been disorganized since BEFORE I had them.

WHY??

I don't know!!

And I don't know why, for SOME odd reason I seem to want to start now when my WHOLE life is in chaos and disorder, and I really don't have time or SHOULDN'T have time for it, why I choose NOW to do it.

Simple. Because time IS now. Get it?

I can't be no 40 something year old and wish I'd started 'then' when that time is NOW.

Well, we'll see how it works out. For one thing, I'm going to have to live with a LOT less internet browsing time. THAT'S for SURE going to be the BIGGEST challenge! Because a LOT of my downtime (which is the biggest TIMEWASTER in my life) is spent browsing stupid Sh*t on the internet. I'm sure when I map out a plan to pare down my time, I'll be able to have more TIME to do other things like, oh, STUDY & spend quality time with Isaiah & Audrey.

I'm down with that.

Hmm..now that I think about it, maybe it's the fact that I'm turning THREE-OH!! this year that is spurning this so-called change. Ha. 30. Bring it!!!!!!!!!

So, I got through the first, I believe, 4 "chapters" of the book. I'll start the update. But I gotta get a short snooze in b/c I've been up since 2ish this morning, & half the time was spent trying to connect to the damned internet!!!! Can you believe it?! Yup! Well, it's time to start being honest with myself, b/c when I'm honest, that's when the self-evaluation comes in, and I can critique myself. I'm better able at identifying what my problem is because I point it out myself.

Sweet!

Okay, school is at 7:30. I gotta be ready by at least 6:45. I can take a nap til 6:15. Awesome.

Hopefully by tomorrow, I'll have a more concrete idea of how much I want to devote my hours to each 'element' in my life.....like, blogging randomly this way for instance.....this might have to change. But sometimes, change is good, no?

Night!