I hate it.

I hate finding something--no, wait, I wasn't even LOOKING for it, it just 'showed up' on a screen, in front of my face--& I know....I could've stopped it there, but at that point, I no longer had control of myself.

And then, I hate the 'knowing' part. Just K N O W I N G....and you can't confront that person, you don't want to burst the seemingly perfect little bubble you've created..but then it just seethes in your soul.....wanting to come out....to let everybody know! Ugh!!!!

I hate it.

But nevertheless.....I have to go on. I have to continue with school/classes/clinicals....and act like that's the only thing (besides Isaiah & Audrey) that matters. I can't fckin take it. I want to confront people with my little ideas & act like I'm brave & strong & it doesn't bother me one bit....when inside I just want to crawl somewhere & die.....it hurts. And why would I think that it wouldn't affect me the way it does every single time? I tell myself that "I can't get hurt more than I have already been hurt".....that's a lie, because then, why do I feel so devastated everytime it happens, when it happens??

I hate it.

I want to leave, I want to run away.....

I just want to be happy, & not think about the hurt. I just want to be FREE from all this.

When does it stop??

I have to sleep somehow, but since 9:30 last night, I haven't been able to rest. My head is spinning & my heart is beating a million beats per minute.

But I have to be up by 4:30 to get ready so I can catch the bus @ 5:30 to be @ clinicals by 6:30.....

Good thing tmw is the last day for clinicals for the week.

I hate it..................................................................


I just want to be happy.